HOPE

I am a college student. For the first time, I realized how much my life has changed since I came to United States. I always wanted to escape my past, escape all the memories I had when I was adopted by a family. I want to tell honest story about how my hope was not fulfilled.

I do not remember my first day in America or the process of being adopted because it happened so fast. I was with my adopted family less than three months. During those three months, things did not go our way. I was sad all the time, I did not come of out my room most of time. I did not eat because I did not like the food.  My adopted parents and I could not even talk to each other because we did not speak the same language. After three months, they did not want to deal with me anymore. I remember my adopted mother and father took me to the hospital. For the first time, I felt so uncomfortable because the doctor asked me questions. There was a police officer right next to me. I had no idea what was going on until 3 am. Someone told me that my adopted parents had given up their rights. I felt hopeless to know that my adopt parents did not want me like my birth parents gave me up.

For the next nine years I was in and out of foster care. My first foster home, it was the worse experience of my life. On my first day when I met my foster parents. They were really nice to me and they were Chinese like me. I felt so happy because they speak the same language as me. However, later I found my foster father liked me more than I thought.  He took a piece of me that I would never forget however I learned to forgive. For the longest time in my life I have closed my heart because I have been hurt so much.
Irene was my fourth foster parents. I was happy to have a family however I felt scary to get to know new people. I was with them for four years. Things were not always easy between us because I was in my teenage years and she was strict about who I am hanging out with.  As time went on things just did not go well at all between Irene and me. February of 2014, Irene told me that they did not love me and she did not want me anymore. At night cried myself sleep for the first time I felt like I was unless, I did not deserve love and I started losing hope. I spent two months in the hospital, which made me think about my first time when my adopted parents let me go. At that point, I did not have any more living because I hated myself. I hated who I was as a person, I hated the fact I could never be loved or accepted. In the hospital, we talked about our past which I lied many time everything was fine. At that point, I promised myself that I would never let anyone hurt me anymore.

For the next year, I had completely shut myself down to new people and let people in my life. I had to fake my smile because I had loss hope in life. Hope to trust again, hope to find a family who will accept me, hope to find myself and most of all hope in love. When I came to Salem I felt like why I am here. When I meet my new foster mom, she was really nice to me. I was in my sophomore year. I started making new friends, I was happy for the first time in a while. However, I was fearful of making new friends, letting people in my life because I feared let down. For the first time, I thought about how my life have changed because of mine adopt parents gave me up. How weak I was and I felt so sorry for myself. I promised myself that one day I could find my birth parents. I would find the reason why I let alone in America without love.

Through experience and time, I have felt betrayed by people. My adopted parents gave up custody at their choice. I lost hope of having a family and the love of family for the first time. I had second chance of having a family with my foster family. But the foster father took advantage of me. Another disappointment, lost hope again. At the fourth foster home, I was able to bound thank to communication. Hope found me as I accepted myself. I realized that I need to love myself in order to let someone else in. My foster mom Denise help me realized that family it is not by blood, it is about the people who care about you.